I Just Can't Win

My black thumb has struck again. We've been here three months and already some of my new plants are on their way out. Indeed, one was ready for the garbage can maybe three weeks ago: not enough water? A friend tells me I should have been watering it twice a day, maybe it wilted one too many times. The two remaining holdouts aren't holding out anymore either: the impatiens on the front porch, and the ponytail palm in the house. In the former the leaves are yellowing, which the internet tells me is a sign of over-watering. And in the latter, the leaves are turning brown and drooping, which is a sign of dehydration. You'd think I'd be able to save the palm by watering it, but after a brief spurt of hopefulness, the palm will be joining the long list of deceased tomorrow morning. Maybe I should start saving my receipts since both Lowe's and Home Depot guarantee their plants for a year.